Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
