Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i dont even know how to be here
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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