I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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