I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
