...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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