I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
