I could make wine with my vomit
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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