Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
