im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
