life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
