I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Randomize
