I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
tell your sister to shave her snatch
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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