Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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