Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
