omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
