This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
