I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
