I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
