Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
