there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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