i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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