I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
