if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
