i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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