he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
