White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
