Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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