Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
