those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
