Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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