In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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