Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
