He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
