I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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