man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
