If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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