1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
