I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
