I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
