I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
They are going to name an STD after you.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
