he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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