I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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