he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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