No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
if only i could text you this smell
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
