She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
