I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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