a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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