also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
