If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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