who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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